i have been told (by my husband) that i am weak and emotional (i’m a girl). now andy was kidding. anyone who knows me knows that i would put an end to that thought process if he really said something like that and meant it. i believe he said it during an emotional breakdown during a chick flick. we laughed about it. we laugh at how i cry at stupid shows and commercials (and sometimes sports related things we watch – games, interviews, whatever). i’m not going to deny that tears flow but i will say that it isn’t completely the norm.
in a previous post i made the comment that a lot of times i don’t care what other people say to me or about me and that i don’t care what people think about me, but there is that percentage of the time that i do care. usually under some sort of factor: being sick (or not feeling well), being tired, hungry, thirsty, that time of the month, thinking a lot. i will cry at a movie or commercial faster than at anything a person says to me…unless with one of the factors listed above.
once again i won’t use names or exact circumstances. but i was at a gathering watching and listening to the people around me. i was lost in my own thought which means that i was in a zone and this zone was a blue zone. i had just had a really bad day at work, me and andy had a conversation on the way to the gathering about his work and i was digesting all of this plus all of the events that were around me at the gathering. i was blue thinking about what if’s, what could have beens, whys, and i was so tired i honestly just wanted to go home and put on my comfy pants. but i knew this was important so i sat there surrounded by oblivious people to my blue mood. (let me say they aren’t really at fault because it isn’t like i stood on a chair and said hey people i’m sad and thirsty so i might be a little sensitive today). after a while i was asked a simple question (something as simple as what do you want for dessert?). i gave my simple, respectful answer (something like i don’t want any thank you). and the response from the person was something along the lines of “oh come on.” the response was pretty much yelled at me in front of a gathering of people that i see a lot. so not only was i already emotional because of thinking and being tired i was also humiliated in front of all these people. i looked at andy and just started crying. i couldn’t help it. i wanted to go home. i think andy’s feelings were hurt that the event happened and i think he was a little mad because we left shortly after that. (i think he is used to – if you see the tears it will get worse before it gets better – so he rescued me and we left). i was so sad that the person yelled at me like this. i know that we don’t have the greatest relationship. i know that i am to blame, but i don’t claim all the blame. i feel like there will always be strain on our relationship and i don’t think there is anything that i can’t do to make it go away. (hey give me credit i have tried for many years). i have tried talking a lot and being extra sweet, i have tried being silent so not to offend, i have tried avoidance all together. it seems that nothing i do makes it right. so i put on a smile and try to be the least offensive as i can. i want to have a better relationship and sometimes i dream that we do, but reality hits and i cry at the drop of a napkin because of an off handed comment directed my way.
all of that to say i am in my blue zone today and as i sit here at work i pray for a sweet e mail from andy so that i can ready it. i pray that i get to leave early to get a hug from my husband. being wrapped in his arms makes me less blue (unless he hugs too hard – haha). he makes me think about other things in a positive spin and makes me forget that i am so tired, thirsty, hungry, thinking, and feeling sick so that i can have a good day and keep my weak emotional self in check. i think tonight i will put on my comfy pants curl up with him on the couch and watch something on tv that will make me cry. all knowing that he understand me and will hold me tighter. right now all i have to do is make it through the day without climbing under my desk and hiding from these people. not sobbing when someone adds more crap to my inbox. and ignoring all the rude comments that fly around my head. 6 hours to go until my blue mood can walk out this door of insanity.
beyondthechaos 