before i start my weekend update post i wanted to get something off my mind – a conversation i had with someone this past weekend.
this story requires a little bit of a back story i guess. (names will be withheld and locations omitted to prevent something – i don’t know what or why i am trying to protect things but i feel it is the high road).
me and andy had a group of “close friends” it was us and 3 other couples. we enjoyed dinners and game nights fairly often. bouncing from house to house and event to event. we really loved our friends and had a blast when we were with them. the group dynamics changed (for unstated reasons) and things happened (maybe relocation to another house/state) so our group changed. i have stated that change is something that i don’t much care for, but sometimes i think change can be a good thing and a thing that we should all welcome – so despite any sad feelings that i had about the changing of our group i was also excited for a shake up. i was excited that maybe we would all take our relationships to a deeper level and converse about our life issues and current events in our lives and things that make us who we are instead of just about fantasy football, politics, church, church politics, family, jokes, cut downs, games and rules. i was hoping that we would deepen our connection individually and as a group. i had high hopes and even higher expectations. both were eventually shattered and left in a pile of broken hopes and dreams. it seemed that we were all moving in different directions in our lives and yet still holding on to something that might not ever have been anything other than a desperate attempt at game nights with other couples. we stopped going to dinner, people stopped answering e mails, and people stopped being compassionate towards other people’s feelings and life. (this is when i could blame the other 3 couples and say that all of this is their fault. but i take blame. i take a lot of the blame. i know that andy takes some of the blame too, but in reality it was all 8 of us that let our group develop the way that it did – on the surface and nothing deeper – and all 8 of us are responsible for allowing our group to “die”). i know that we still talk to a few members of the group, and that some of them still communicate (leaving me and andy as the main outcast members) but they still don’t have a strong group like what i had hoped it would become. despite our current state we have always believed that maybe one day we could all get past our “issues in life” and we can move on and become a group again. with that hope i have still wished everyone happy birthday (via personal message) i have mailed them Christmas cards – because i wanted to, i have prayed for them, i have read their blogs to stay informed (and prayed for things on their blog), i have looked at their facebook pages, i have replayed the fun times we have had togeher in the past.
with all that said…one of the couples relocated. before their relocation words were said and feelings were hurt so they left and continued on with their lives. just like we all continued on with ours. (a side observation/rant: i never went away to school, i have never moved; but a ton of my friends have done both of those and it annoys the crap out of me that 1. they expect that everyone will sob the day they announce they are leaving town 2. they expect a great show of emotion and pleading to not go 3. they expect that when they come back into town (without giving a heads up on the dates) that we will drop everything we had planned and join in a welcome home tour treating them like celebrities 3. they expect people to block out days that they might be here or not. 4. they believe that when they aren’t here we all mope around like little lost puppies with no life waiting on them to return and tell us how to live. now i know this isn’t for all people and not every person has or will experience this…but this is the norm for me). with that rant complete that is sort of how this couple is. they have come into town and informed us at the last minute that we need to be somewhere to greet them (when i know for a fact that they have had their plane tickets for over 6 months). they don’t make an effort to contact us when they are gone or here. i have facebook messages to them about birthday’s, Chirstmas, death in the family, well wishes, etc and have gotten no response until this weekend.
this weekend i sent a personal message to one of them saying, “happy birthday from the both of us. we hope you have a great day.” i sent it with no evil intent, just wanted the person to know that i was thinking about them on their birthday, since we have a history together, and to let them know that i still care on some level that i don’t understand why (maybe it is the hope of being re-accepted or maybe this was my way of offering an olive branch). i didn’t expect the person to write back since their spouse didn’t respond to birthday wishes two months earlier (and other things). but the response i got back hurt me so much. but the person responded. “thanks, but you don’t have to wish us happy birthday or send us a Christmas card because it is kind of obvious that you don’t care about us.” i didn’t respond. i wanted to respond with so many hateful things, but i didn’t. i wanted to respond 1. if we didn’t care why would i waste my time keeping up with your family. 2. why would i have sent you a Christmas card asking about the well being of your family (when we didn’t get one but other people got one from them). 3. that maybe i have been trying to seek peace between us and have been sending all these messages in hopes that you would reach back and give me the permission that i needed that you didn’t hate me and that i would be welcome in giving my sincere apologies. i wanted to write a ton on how many times we have been burned since they moved and before they moved. i wanted to point out some things that i originally stuck up for this person about and how they might be true after all. but i didn’t. i read the comment to andy. almost cried. said all those things to him that i wanted to write and then i realized i would take the high road and let it go. i will bury my hopes that we can ever be a group again. i will bury with that the expectation that we ever had a real foundation for friendships with that group. i will bury the memories that we once had and i will move on. i will pray constantly that i will be able to move on and that those words won’t hurt me anymore.
the last thing i have learned from this is to update my Christmas card list.
for those of you that i have sent a Christmas card to or wished you happy birthday’s and those actions have offended you…i am so sorry. from the bottom of my heart i am sorry to have offended you. and please let me know and i will save a stamp this Christmas and remove you from the send list.