in an instant

everything can change in an instant.

people often times compare the ups and downs in situations to being on a roller coaster.  going up and going down and back up.  the implication is there that emotions can follow those same paths.  in grief this happens -as we experienced the ups and downs of infertility.  during the adoption process we have also experienced ups and downs.

i would like to take a moment to rant about this analogy.  in my opinion if you are talking about the ups and downs of a roller coaster it can be implied that the emotions in question are going up and down and up and down rapidly.  like there is no time to be up and no time to be down, but rather more time to bounce back and forth like a ball attached to a wooden paddle with an elastic strap.  i don’t like the imagery that on a roller coaster of emotion you can’t be up or down for any extended period of time.  so go with me on this train of crazy.

instead imagine a huge boat in the middle of the vast ocean.  huge rolling waves (not the kind associated with tropical storms or danger) gently rocking the boat: up and down.  the boat gently goes up and the positive emotions creep in and you have time to feel them.  live them.  experience them.  and once you feel at  home with those emotions and all of the good the boat shifts and starts its way gently down the wave and the emotions roll in and you want to find the nearest trash can or flower bed and puke.  you have time to experience panic and it simmers and you ask “what if” and about the time you think you are going to lose it, the boat rocks back up.

we are no stranger to the boat.

we survive most days in an inconsistently consistent routine and remember that it is good to be boring.

lately my “boat” has been fairly steady.  not too sad about things and not giddy (but i am not normally that giddy unless i am lacking sleep).  everything has been steady and normal and we crave that.

but things can change in an instant and they did.

tuesday, 5/31/16, i was sitting at work and out of the corner of my eye i saw my phone flashing and it wasn’t a number that i recognized so i grabbed my phone, got up and answered it.  it was 2:46 pm.  it was our caseworker saying hello.  she asked if we had a good Memorial Day weekend and a good trip.  i told her that we did, and that is where the normal routine ended and the boat started to move.  she said i have a mother that wants to meet you.  i couldn’t talk.  my voice was gone and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.  it took me a few minutes to gather my words and put together a coherent sentence.  she wanted to know if we wanted to come to her office so that she could give us all the information and see if we wanted to move forward with the meeting.  i said of course and asked what time frame we were looking at.  she told me we would have to be in her office that afternoon because if we wanted to move forward, our meeting would be the next afternoon at 4:00.  since we are a little over an hour away from her office she told us that if there was a way for us to call her together she could give us the information over the phone.  i told her we would call between 5:00 and 5:15.  i called andy and told him the news and told him to be there on time so we could call her.  i went back inside work and went to my managers office and told her i needed off the next afternoon.  i looked at the clock a hundred times and 5:00 finally came.  i ran to the car and we found a good place to park and we called her.  she gave us all of the details that she could give us and while we were listening we kept looking at each other and smiling.  she told us to digest the information and call her back after we talked privately if we wanted to meet the birth mother.  we answered yes without a doubt we want to meet her, no need to think about it, we just knew.

in an instant we were tossed into the next step – territory that is new to us.  we have never been this far.

our wait was different.  instead of just waiting to hear anything – now we were waiting to meet a birth mother.  someone that picked us.

we went to bed, but i don’t think either of us got much sleep.  my boat rocked all night long.  rolling up with excitement of meeting a birth mother – potentially our birth mother. and then the boat rocked down.  fear of the unknown.  will she like us?  will everything be ok?  will we like her?  is this really happening?  can we get things done before the baby is due?  is everything really going to be ok?

somewhere before i drifted off into a worried sleep, the gentle wave lifted me back up.  the answer is yes.  this is happening and everything will be fine.  i breathe in and out and the world is ok again.

june 1st at 20 til 4:00 we walk into the room and we meet her.  (an encounter i will write about later).

june 2nd i get a text that says:

“she absolutely wants you guys to be the family for this baby.”

we were chosen!

at 10:11 am in that exact moment – my life was instantly changed for the better.