I am back, but I’m not really. I am sure to most my absence hasn’t been noticed or even mattered. And well that is what I expect. I have always felt like I wrote and no one read. And that was fine. Writing has been a way for me to expose my soul and therapy. I guess I always thought if others are able to join me on the journey of things in my life and either learn from my mistakes or have something I say resonate within themselves then it is worth it.
I feel like I owe an explanation or an apology for stringing everyone along in our infertility journey and the adoption experience (as well as other things going on in our life). But as I sit to write it, everything just comes out as excuses.
I could tell you that I have several drafts in my post folder, but never posted them because I couldn’t attach photos (that is a problem that has been solved). Who wants to read about a zoo trip and not see an animal in the post? While that is very true that was just an excuse to not post things.
I could tell you that I have been so busy that I haven’t had time, but I am currently sitting here on a Friday night alone watching my beagle snore on the couch and reruns on T.V. While I have been semi busy at times, to say I have been so busy I couldn’t post would be a blatant lie.
If I am being completely honest with you and with myself I was lost. I lost so much. I lost the words that normally came easily to me. I was no longer able to explain how I felt and my experiences with the words that allowed people to be “with” me on the journey. I felt like no words could describe what I wanted to say. Everything was inadequate. I needed a break to find my words. To locate myself.
To say that I succeeded wouldn’t be completely accurate. But I am working on it. While I was happy to allow a window into our fertility struggles and adoption adventures things changed in June 2016 and that transparency just went away. I think part of that was so that I could wrap my head around it myself. I have come to a place where I can have the level of transparency that it deserves.
So here I am. I am back, but not the same person that I was before.