gone way too long

I am back, but I’m not really.  I am sure to most my absence hasn’t been noticed or even mattered.  And well that is what I expect.  I have always felt like I wrote and no one read.  And that was fine.  Writing has been a way for me to expose my soul and therapy.  I guess I always thought if others are able to join me on the journey of things in my life and either learn from my mistakes or have something I say resonate within themselves then it is worth it.

I feel like I owe an explanation or an apology for stringing everyone along in our infertility journey and the adoption experience (as well as other things going on in our life).  But as I sit to write it, everything just comes out as excuses.

I could tell you that I have several drafts in my post folder, but never posted them because I couldn’t attach photos (that is a problem that has been solved).  Who wants to read about a zoo trip and not see an animal in the post?  While that is very true that was just an excuse to not post things.

I could tell you that I have been so busy that I haven’t had time, but I am currently sitting here on a Friday night alone watching my beagle snore on the couch and reruns on T.V.  While I have been semi busy at times, to say I have been so busy I couldn’t post would be a blatant lie.

If I am being completely honest with you and with myself I was lost.  I lost so much.  I lost the words that normally came easily to me.  I was no longer able to explain how I felt and my experiences with the words that allowed people to be “with” me on the journey.  I felt like no words could describe what I wanted to say.  Everything was inadequate.  I needed a break to find my words.  To locate myself.

To say that I succeeded wouldn’t be completely accurate.  But I am working on it.  While I was happy to allow a window into our fertility struggles and adoption adventures things changed in June 2016 and that transparency just went away.  I think part of that was so that I could wrap my head around it myself.  I have come to a place where I can have the level of transparency that it deserves.

So here I am.  I am back, but not the same person that I was before.


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