Category Archives: conscience

the return of jasper

so a while ago i posted about jasper my cricket (conscience) and how he went to the gas station and work with me.  it has been so funny because i have seen so many crickets since posting that.  some have been on the windshield and some have just been around and they catch my eye.  a day or two after that post andy and i were riding around on the farm (after feeding the animals) and a cricket jumped on the rtv windshield.  i laughed and said look it is jasper (i had to explain who jasper was since andy doesn’t read the blog) and he laughed (i believe it was a curtsy laugh and i believe there was a little bit of eye rolling in there too).  a little bit later (maybe 2 minutes) a stink bug landed on the windshield.

***side note: i am so very over stink bugs they are everywhere and are on my nerves.  i wish they would go away. ***

so andy was like oh you must be mean or are having mean thoughts since your conscience has changed into a stink bug.  i laughed and thought if that were true maybe a rattle snake would be on the windshield….

for the past several weeks i have been seeing jasper everywhere.  he has been on the porch, at the farm, on the sidewalk at work.  it seems like jasper shows us at the most random times but at funny times.  a lot of times if i am thinking something mean i will catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye and there will be jasper just shaking his head at me.  his presence makes me evaluate what i am thinking about (sometimes giving me a change to revoke those mean thoughts and practice patience/compassion/understanding).  i am not going to lie and say that i immediately change my line of thinking or anything like that…but it makes me evaluate it (and sometimes that is a step in the right direction).  sometimes when i am waiting on andy to pick me up at work (standing on the sidewalk like an 8th grader waiting on their mom at the movie theater friday night) one will jump by and i will think of how i am not alone on that sidewalk…i am never alone – i have jasper.

purpose

i am not sure if this was the intended purpose of my blog…but it has shown me how terrible i am at trying to blog and keeping my brain focused.  i have been really evaluating my purpose with this blog.  i look at some of my favorite blogs (friends and unknown people) and i have been trying to figure it all out.  one friend blogs about food and recipes (she is an amazing writer and inserts stories that make her recipes even better).  several are health related (about the illnesses that the different subjects go through).  some are about journeys of bringing home a child from another country (adoption).  some are just about the rants of daily living and updates on life.

so i have been trying to decide what is my purpose?  do i have one?  in the beginning my purpose was shockingly still very fuzzy.  i wanted to have a place to “journal” big things that were happening (if you recall that was when we thought we might be moving to arkansas) and so it was the start of keeping a records for myself on what was going on.  then i started thinking it would be a great place for family and friends to be kept in the loop so if it was a semi generic question they could check the blog and see if they could find an answer.  once i had that great thought and typed an e mail to friends and family to say look at this awesome blog i realized that i didn’t think it was awesome.  i was self conscious about my writing and about my topics and about just everything involved so i deleted that email and decided to hide the blog and go back to just a journal.  when we moved to tn i shared the blog with a few people who i knew wouldn’t make fun of me and went from there.  my confidence built a tad to where i shared with a few more people and even still it hasn’t been shared with some friends and family because i still am so very self conscious.  i feel like things that i am blogging about are pointless and not worthy of anyone to take time out and read (i mean my husband doesn’t even read my blog so if he doesn’t it must be a waste of time right?).

this leads me to my original thought about this post…what is the purpose?  why should i or shouldn’t i blog?  what do people care enough about to want to read?  after weeks of contemplating just letting the idea of blogging go (because let’s be honest i am not the best at remembering to blog or the best at content – at best i am mediocre in everything blog related) i have decided that maybe once in my life something doesn’t really need a purpose.  maybe for once i can not have something so planned out to where i am disappointed if it falls through.

so in conclusion this blog has no purpose.  it is a place where i can get on my soapbox and rant and don’t have to worry about falling off.  a place where i can post random pictures and talk about the farm and anything else.  a place i can wish people (who may or may not ever see this) a happy birthday or a congratulations or get well.  a place that is mine.  a place that i hope to one day – even without a purpose – it will make a difference to someone.

hitchhiker

this morning i woke up and drug myself out of bed and drove myself to work (on most days we carpool but andy didn’t have to be up as early and got to sleep in).  i left the house a little early and decided to treat myself to a coffee before i got to work – so i drove to starbucks…oh wait we don’t have one of those.  so instead i went to weigles.  as i was backing out of the driveway, i picked up a hitchhiker.  he was quiet not saying a word, but we had a good time riding to the gas station where i thought he would leave me.  i pulled into the parking spot and i said my goodbyes and thought it a tad rude that he didn’t even thank me for the ride or offer me a few dollars in gas money.  but nonetheless i was glad to help out so i went inside and when i came out he was still waiting on me.  i told him i had to go to work and he was more than welcome to ride with me to my building and could go from there.  he didn’t really say much and made no attempt to stay at the gas station so i drove across the street and into my parking space at work and all he did was stare at me.  it was slightly creepy that i had this hitchhiker on my car and he went and got coffee with me and rode with me to work.  I really expected him to fly off at some point in time!

arriving at gas station

arriving at gas station

leaving the gas station

leaving the gas station

at work

at work

i am curious to see if he is still on my car when i leave work this afternoon and evening.  i don’t know why but it struck me as funny – what if this is like pinocchio and this little grasshopper or cricket is my conscience?  what would its name be?  i was kind of thinking jasper – would that be his name?  if he was my conscience why didn’t he tell me anything this morning?  am i doing an ok job and he was just checking up on me?

I don’t think I will ever know because when I got out of work he was gone.  just up and left me.  if jasper was my conscience I think I will be asking for another one because I don’t think that he helped me at all.