Category Archives: insane

sad/happy vs bipolar

 *names and relationships will mostly be eliminated to protect individuals privacy*

one night i was talking to one of my best friends over a glass of wine and things got serious.  she was hesitant to say something and i was hesitant to listen.  i kind of felt where the conversation was going because of the lead in, but i still didn’t know where she would go with it and i didn’t know how much i wanted to admit and how far i wanted to take the conversation but we were too far to turn back… 

we had been talking about her family and she looked at me and said she was scared.  i nodded because with that one statement i knew…i knew what was coming next so i took a gulp of wine and finished her sentence.  …scared that we didn’t “escape” the mental illness in our family.  she nodded.  in each of our families we have members who are clinically diagnosed (and some who are textbook) bipolar.

we talked about how sometimes when we are sad we fear that “it” has finally caught up with us.  how sometimes we wake up and we are sad and just have bad days and we both evaluate is it just a normal bad day or is this part of the depressed aspect of bipolar.  do we have reason to be sad?  did something set us off?  are we validated in being sad?  if people notice we are sad is it acceptable to just say we are having a bad day?  is it ok to have a bad week – or does that throw us into a category of needing medicines and intervention?

we went on to talk about when we wake up and are really happy.  how sometimes we get up and it is just a great day and being yelled at by someone or bad drivers or anything that would normally annoy us doesn’t make us upset.  it doesn’t damper our good mood and our happy day.  do we really have a reason to be happy?  oh no is this the manic part of “it.” 

as the seriousness of the conversation started to fade we both started laughing.  almost at the same time we both took a deep breath and said something along the lines of i am so glad that you understand.  the reassurance that we weren’t “crazy” for having those thoughts was amazing. 

we decided that it is ok to have a good day or good week and that it is ok to have a bad day or week and still be free.  at the first sign of a really bad day or good day with what seems like no reason at all doesn’t mean that “it” has caught up with us.  we had to remind ourselves and each other that our emotions are right sad or happy we are ok.  it was a reassurance that only a best friend can offer. 

 

in light of this past week and the loss of robin williams who left the world way too soon – i wanted to say that mental illness is real.  being bipolar or clinically depressed – depression where the end seems like the only option is real.  feeling like you are all alone in the world even when surrounded by family and friends.  feeling like if you were to start screaming in the middle of a crowded room no one would actually notice and hear.  feeling like the end is the only way to cry out for help – for a hug, a friend, a conversation, to be noticed.  feeling like people would soon forget you and it would be no big deal, feeling like you don’t want to fight any more. feeling like you have given it all that you have and failed miserably.  feeling tired – just really tired. be blunt and grab on to someone – make them listen, make them hear and remember: you ARE worth it.

a tractor, a limb, and a farmer…

what might sound like the beginning of either the best joke in the world or the worst is a story worth telling…

let me warn you by saying some of the photos are a little graphic and not for the really weak stomach.  (andy was able to look at them so most people should be fine other than the GROSS comment when you see them).

also as a side note with my family we joke a lot.  sometimes I think it is to eliminate awkward moments and to ease tension but this is how we deal with stressful situations so don’t judge me…

on march 8th andy and I had plans to go to Kingsport to do some shopping and so that andy could get his hair cut.  we decided at the last-minute to go to the farm and check on my babies.  on the way to the farm we pass my grandmother’s house and as we did we saw a tractor with the bucket lifted all the way up and a man standing in the bucket with a chainsaw.  there were several men on the ground holding a rope that was attached to a limb.  I did a double take and told andy to pull in because it was my dad.  (this is the don’t judge me part – because I really do feel bad I made these comments) I told him to pull in so that I could get a picture for life insurance policy proof.  we chuckled and missed the drive way.  we decided to go on to the farm but something inside me (and andy confirmed in him too) said to turn around and go back.  we made a loop and went through a field and I made a second comment that I didn’t see him in the bucket and I hoped that he didn’t fall out.  we pulled into the driveway and a guy came running over to us saying we needed to pull the car over to the group of people because someone broke something.  I walked over and andy drove over and we found my dad leaning against the tractor holding his boot, with scratches on his neck.  we loaded him up and went to the er.  we got him checked in and made him pose for pictures with his arm band.  (he still looks like trouble even waiting on the er).

dad hospital

DSCN8585 DSCN8586

the good news is that he thought he broke his ankle.  he didn’t.  but the bad news is he crushed his heel.  they splinted it and told him to get an appt when he got back home to see a surgeon.  the next morning he noticed blisters.

dad foot 1

(gross I know).  he went to the er when he got back home and they re-wrapped it and scolded my parents for unwrapping it to begin with.  they got an appt with a surgeon that does ankles and heels and was told they needed to see someone who only does heels and ankles.  they finally got in with the right doctor and he was not happy.  he stated that this type of injury needs to be taken to surgery within 48 hours of it happening.  and they were almost 3 weeks out.

dad foot

just gets better and better doesn’t it?!  after much discussion they decided not to risk surgery since it was a little late to be doing it.  the road to recovery will be long but it is what it is.  they had to cancel going to Bristol and going to fl but dad is doing good on his crutches and his scooter.  he is adapting to being non weight baring for 2 entire months and maybe more.  he is thankful that his new chainsaw didn’t get hurt when he had the forethought to toss it away from everyone when he was knocked out.  we are thankful that he wasn’t hurt worse (and that we have some gross pictures to share).

so when a farmer is in a tractor and gets knocked out by a limb…the important part to pass on to all of your family and friends is that a heel injury is not the same as a normal broken bone.  if you ever have one of those injuries as them to call in a consult for a heel specialist.  don’t let them send you away with the standard answer of swelling has to go down for surgery!

road kill blues

growing up we had cats.  with the exception of a few months we weren’t without a pet.  until 1998 our cats were outdoor/indoor cats.  when we got Oscar and leo in 1998 our kitties became indoor cats only.

I never had a pet get hit by a car.  we had to put a few to sleep because of illness and I lost count of all the fish that we had to flush because they were found floating upside down.  we also had a hamster pass (in his food bowl).  all that to say that I have had several pets pass away or die…but none from being road kill.

I know several of my friends that had pets get hit by cars (and it was just heartbreaking to go through that with them).  the saddest of all was gracie (Otis’ beagle aunt).  so now each time I see a pet on the side of the room it just makes me sad.  it makes me think about the owner that is at home without their furry child/friend/sibling/family member.  it makes me wonder why was the animal close to the road?  did the person who hit the animal stop?  did they cry?  it breaks my heart a little bit each time.

my ramble is to say that in charlotte and in Greeneville we see animals on the side of the road all the time.  it might be a bird, raccoon, opossum, deer, dog, cat, bunny, snakes (when we see those it kind of makes me want to back up to make sure they are dead).  it is a part of life and something that it still makes me a little sad, but it is something that I see all the time so I tend to not get upset as much.  when we first moved we hit a bunny (I think) and I sobbed all the way home and thought andy was going to have to pull over so that I could puke on the side of the road.  it broke my heart.

several months ago there was a boom of baby ground hogs.  I would see 4 little ones on the way to lunch and 1 huge one on the way to and from work.  he was so fat and would sit on the side of the road in the midst of kudzu and just watch the cars go by.  he was so big and dark brown that he stood out in the green long before i got to him.  the way he sat and the way he observed the world humanized him to me and made me laugh.  I looked forward to going home and would look for him in the lush green.  one day as I approached his usual sitting place I saw that he wasn’t in his normal spot but something caught my eye and I realized he was in the road.  he was gone.  I was alone in the car and I cried all the way home.  I don’t know why he meant so much to me (and while I write and ponder this…I don’t know that he was actually a “he”).  I don’t know why i was so delusional to think of the little critter as my friend.  I loved seeing him play and watch the world in his own world that was shared with mine.  I don’t know why he wondered into the road that day after years of watching cars go by and surly understanding how dangerous it was on that pavement, but he did.  he was gone and i was left mourning with the road kill blues.

random little nuggets

I keep a running list of things I want to blog about….not that I can always find that list and not that I always use it…but I have a list.

this post is about some of those little nuggets that don’t really need their own post.

  1. little rock: we dodged a bullet there.  at the time it seemed like a great idea to move to Arkansas but we have been talking a lot recently about places we have been and where we thought we were headed and we both agree that we dodged a bullet by not going to little rock.  I think I can honestly say that I would have been miserable and thankfully we never loaded up the u haul and moved!
  2. computer clean up.  I have a mini laptop (so it is not meant to house a ton of pictures and videos) and my storage is running low and my computer is running slow.  (a little rhyme maybe?)  anyways…I have been in the process of “organizing” my photos so that I can easily transfer them to an external hard drive and hopefully that will solve the running slow issue and I will be able to store it in a safe place in case of mother nature or stupid mean people that could potentially break in.  on night it was late and i had been working for a few hours and went to stop for the night and DELETED all of my photos…ALL of them.  i dealt with it like any normal mature adult and started sobbing.  not the cute tears welled in my eyes threatening to spill over my eye lids but the ugly crying with snot bubbling and incoherent shrilling.  andy came to my rescue and restored them.  i decided i needed to just go to bed (andy i only work a few minutes at a time so i don’t get tired and stupid).
  3. while doing the computer clean up i found several attempts of some photos that i took of jasper on the windshield.  it made me laugh.  i remembered sitting in the kubota taking the pictures (there had to be about 15 of them).  all of them taken the same distance from jasper…all of them same lighting…all of them the same angle…all of them the same perspective…all of them the same view….each and every single one of them blurry.  i would take the picture look at it and sigh and try again.  it made me thing of the saying: insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Einstein).  proof that maybe i am a little insane….?
  4. we got Otis a lobster costume for Halloween (and when i say we i mean that i pestered andy in the store for one and to prevent a scene he caved).  it was too small and andy refused to get a bigger size (i think it was premeditated)!  (so you can officially blame andy for a lack of AWESOME photos of Otis as a lobster).

so there you have it.  now you will be able to sleep tonight.