Category Archives: promises

based on a lie

so they say that marriages based on truth and communication will last.  i heard that in our marriage counseling classes before we got married and i have heard it from friends that were married before us.  i heard it from people who experienced failed marriages.  trust.  that is the foundation for a happy and healthy marriage.  so in our marriage we have really strived to be honest with each other.  up front with what we are thinking and feeling.  we try not to sugar coat things so that the truth can be accepted as what it is and interpreted as what the other means which prevents trying to decipher if there are hidden meanings.  i feel like we have done a wonderful job with this.  sometimes we say things and they might sting a little bit, but in the end we (i will take this time to speak for andy…hopefully i am right and he feels the same way) take what the other says to heart and after reflecting on it we are able to see that the other person wasn’t trying to be intentionally mean but instead was trying to be clear and honest.  it is something that has worked well in our relationship and marriage and then i found out our marriage was based on a lie…

we were talking and after some wild tangent (i am sure) we started talking about our wedding and that progressed into our colors – black and blue.  i knew for a long time that i wanted our wedding to be simple yet elegant and i wanted that theme to radiate throughout the day.  i knew i wanted to use my favorite colors and that they would play right into it.  blue and black.  i will add here that andy was on board for pretty much whatever.  he was very hands on during the entire process and never really questioned my desire for black and blue.  he was on board.  i remember one of the first things people would ask me about was the colors.  i would tell the person black and blue and would get a funny look and would be asked what shade of blue?!  i guess because there are so many different shades of blue people wanted to know exactly what shade so i started answering black and blue – smurf blue.  that seemed to make people happy.  at some point in time i heard andy tell someone that our colors were black and panther blue.  my thought was that for people who lived around here that was a good description of the color and people would know exactly what shade that was (esp. going into stores looking for that specific shade of ribbon, ties, candles, bags, etc).  it just became part of our wedding planning to toss in panther blue.  it offered clarity to others and eliminated further questions and responses.

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i am now learning (after years of blissful marriage) that andy really thought our wedding colors were black and panther blue (because of the panthers – not because that was the best way to describe that shade of blue).  our marriage started out based on a lie.

are we doomed because our circle of trust and honesty is broken?  was it just a misunderstanding and we will be ok?  will we need therapy to undo what has been done?  does this start the beginning of a battle that will last for years over who interpreted our colors correctly?


questions questions questions…..

summer sabbatical

so this summer andy has been running around crazy and so I have been trying to keep everything going with him gone and the blog is what took the back burner.

I think I should be back to posting on a more regular basis – but I know I have said that before and failed miserably so we will see what happens now.

i promise i am here…

yikes….sorry for the lack of posts.  i have so many fun posts coming up (ok maybe not fun but something to read to pass time if you are bored to tears at work or home or on a bus and have nothing better to do).

i promise to try to do better.

a taste of things to come…

job developments, darkness, pancake, otis, summer trips, media, luigi, family, friends, june birthdays, flash flood…

see doesn’t that make you want to camp by your computer waiting on the next post?!

(or not).



rambling thoughts: clouds storms and long drives

a smell, sight, touch, or sound can take me down memory lane in a heart beat.  or hearing a phrase that makes me think of things from the past can take me back.  sometimes it is a time of year that sends me tumbling off the trail with former memories.  these certain things put me on a path of wild and random (sometimes incoherent) thinking and i play the what was and what is and what if and what’s to come game.  sometimes my brain feels like a little hamster running on the wheel you think and think but really it gets you no where except stuck in a loop scared to get off and wondering how long have i been at this….

this time of year i think a lot about leslie (i think about her all the time as it is but as we get closer to the heart of summer i find my self thinking more and more about her).  i remember the trips we took and the things we bought.  i remember the last encounters that we had and the conversations that we had and the profound effect that she had on my life and how much impact her family has made still in my life.  something about this time of year makes me miss her more.

i think more and more about old friends and about relationships i have had and the adventures that we have been on.  some thoughts and memories make me incredibly sad and others made me laugh out loud.  i think about all the summers spent playing with will and vicky outside until after dark and our “bat club.”  i think about all the summer camps that i spent with katie and the youth group and making sure that katie and i shared a room and coordinated our outfits and packing list and that when we weren’t at camp we still had to be together.  i think about summer crushes (one that turned into love and marriage).  i think about all of the things i thought i would have done and wished i did and actually did.  i think of the person that i hoped to be and the one that i actually am.    i think….

the other day andy was at a meeting so i decided i would go feed pancake alone since it would be too late when andy got home.  it had been raining (i think we got 3 inches in about an hour – water was rising and roads were flooded).  i loaded the dog up and off we went to feed pancake.  for once i wasn’t punching a clock.  so i drove.  i only know 3 or so ways to get to the farm and as i was driving i kept getting derailed.  i would go as far as i could and have to turn around because of flooding in the roads.  i went all the ways i could to get to pancake but i couldn’t get to him – so i just drove.  it made me think of a time (when i could fill my tank up with gas, take seven dollars into the gas station and walk away with change) when i would just drive around to clear my head.  i used to drive to process thoughts and clear my head a lot.  i blame my dad for that.  (sorry dad).  driving to the farm already made me think of dad and driving around made me think of the times that he would come ask if i wanted to go to dairy queen for a blizzard.  i would think: ice cream?  sure!  we would go and instead of going the direct route we would drive down towards albemarle – typically turning around at the same gas station.  some times we would go just to go…i don’t know the real reason we were driving just that ice cream was involved.  other times we would go because i did something wrong (that was never stated but i knew) – we would get past the point where i could jump out of the car and walk home and dad would talk.  or if he wanted to have my attention to mull something over he would say what he wanted to say and we would ride in quiet processing everything.  once we got to the gas station we would turn around and go get blizzards and everything was forgiven and forgotten and processed.  i thought ice cream healed all…but the older i get the more i think that it was the drive that healed.

when i realized i couldn’t get to pancake because all my options were gone i headed home.  as i was driving home i saw lightning and black skies and i was headed right for it.  i was driving into the storm.  i couldn’t help but think that life was completely like that having to “drive into the storm to go home”.  i couldn’t help but think of the times that i have known about a storm and could see it from the distance and driven straight into it.  confrontations with friends that i knew had the potential to turn out horribly but they had to happen.  conflict with different people at different jobs.  fights with andy or my parents or brother.  situations that the skies were so black and hopeless but i had no choice because i had to get through them to get home and to a resolution.  when we have no choice and we see the lightning and hear the thunder and know that things are going to get messy we have to drive on and we do…we go through the storms and end up at home – sometimes a little battered and bruised and sometimes our homes aren’t as stable or sturdy as they were…but our foundation is strong and we make it.

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when i got home.  i had battled rising waters and thunder and a spectacular display of lightning and a spastic dog.  i dealt with my failure that pancake wasn’t getting treats from me before bed.  i struggled with wrapping up my disjointed racing thoughts about driving and storms, hopes and dreams and failures, memories and life in general.  physically i was exhausted from a long day and mentally from processing so many thoughts and memories in such a short time.  i pulled the shivering dog out of the car and unlocked the door.  before i stepped over the threshold i looked at the sky.  the blackness was breaking up and the clouds were moving on except for one…

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i laughed and thought how fitting that i drove straight into dark weather and made it home through the storm and waiting for me was a cloud with a silver lining…

(some of us are just going through figurative storms but remember those who are dealing with literal storms in moore, ok)

best of intentions

please let me ramble about what i should have done and what i intended to do….

1. i have been meaning to post some pics of some very special Christmas decorations (and of our Christmas house).  i will admit i have taken most of the pictures (i just haven’t down loaded them on the computer).  but i will tonight. maybe.

2. i have been meaning to post everyday.  oops.  once i get better at downloading pics i hope to post everyday (sometimes i feel like i have too many words and not enough supporting pictures).

3. i have been meaning to give an update on our Christmas tree situation.  andy won.  he doesn’t win much so i am sure he is gloating in his victory.  we have a real live tall tree to put up.  but it is still on our patio.  my intention is to put it up tonight.  i am happy that our house is all decorated but i am ready for our tree to be put up.  we will have 3 trees this year and i will post pictures of all 3.

4.  my intention was to be done with shopping by now.  we are going to wrap the last of the gifts tonight so that we can shop tomorrow if need be.  i am thinking next year we will get done early again.  i hope.

as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  but i promise i really am trying…

a birthday with no cake

i grew up in a culture where it was ok to have multiple best friends.  i had a best friend at church, i had a best childhood (neighbor) friend, and i had a best friend at school.  leslie was my best friend at school.  we had a wonderful friendship.  we disagreed sometimes but we never fought.  it was understood with the two of us that we could have different opinions and be fine with that.

we had some great memories at the beach, at prom, college tours and prom promise.  at prom promise leslie was a recruiter (getting people to come outside at lunch) i was an actress and wore a beautiful red dress and some theatre students did my make up (really cool bruises and blood everywhere).  we had 3 lunches to act during.  in the first i was an injured person in the car and got loaded onto a stretcher and put in an ambulance, in the second i was the drunk driver that caused the wreck and was cuffed and put in the back of a cop car, and in the last lunch i was dead.  they put me half under the car (which made me really nervous) and had to jack the car off me.  they pulled me into the grass and put a sheet over me and i had to lay there and listen to the noises around me.  when the bell rang for the kids to go back to class i pulled the sheet off my head and heard weeping.  i looked to my left and leslie was kneeling next to me in the grass crying.  when i sat up she reached over and her tears stained my shoulder.  she said don’t ever leave me. and she promised me she would never leave me.

today the 5th of december 2011 would have been leslie’s 28th birthday.

leslie died in a car wreck in 2001 in july.  it was a miserable summer as it was for various reasons and then she was gone.  just like that – gone she didn’t keep her promise she left me.

i walked into dairy queen (her place of employment) and was talking to her (saying goodbye since i was heading out of town for a week).  i leaned over the counter and we talked and laughed and flirted with a few guys that walked into the store and i looked at her and looked at my watch and said i had to go (or else i would be late for curfew and that is a completely different post).  as i was leaving she called me around the side or the counter and gave me a hug.  even to this day i haven’t had a hug from anyone like she used to hug.  she hugged me and asked me a few questions and we talked a little more.  she told me to tell andy i still liked him (since he would be with me at camp) and i laughed her off and started to walk away from her.  she grabbed my wrist (which was unusual because she wasn’t a violent type with me – except for the occasional kick in the butt) and turned me around.  she made me promise before she would let go of me.  her hand gripped tighter and tighter my hand tingling and her imprint burning into my flesh.  i said fine and that wasn’t good enough she made me look into her eyes and promise.  she said promise me.  i said ok leslie i promise i will tell him.  her eyes started straight into my soul and realized that i would carry out my promise and she released my arm.  i said why does it matter?  her answer was simple.  she shrugged and said so that andy can take care of you when i can’t anymore.  i rolled my eyes hugged her really tight and said i love you.  i walked to the glass door and turned to wave to her.  she was watching me walk out the door and she said i love you, i waved said love you too call you saturday and rolled my eyes as i got in my car and drove home.

i kept my promise and told andy i liked him on wednesday night.  i got the news the next morning that she had been in a car wreck and she didn’t make it.  she was 17 when she left us and it has been 10 years.  today she would have been 28.  each year on her birthday i think about who she would be today and what our relationship would be today.  i think about going out and having a glass of wine or a royal flush or a shot with her – we never drank together.  i think about sitting on a patio near a heater on her birthday and smoking a black and mild or a marlboro light with her – but we did smoke together.  i think about all the things that i won’t ever get to do or share with her because she isn’t here.  i think about my wedding and the pictures that she isn’t in.  i think about all the times i am sad and want my best friend back.  sometimes my thinking makes me laugh and sometimes thinking about her makes me extremely sad.  it makes my soul weep.  i long to hear her voice and i long to have a leslie hug.  i long to celebrate her birthday WITH her and not just in memory of her.   tonight i had a glass of champagne (ok 2) and in silence i raised my glass to her beautiful memory and remember the best friend that she was.

happy birthday LAT!