Category Archives: sleep

awake

There are nights I lay awake.  I listen to Andy and Otis breathing beside me and I just can’t sleep.  I close my eyes and try different types of relaxation tactics to lure myself to sleep only to find I am still awake.  I change my breathing patterns to adjust my heart rate and 20 minutes later readjust my pillow thinking that will help.

Sometimes I just have a hard time getting my brain to just stop thinking.  Sometimes I carry the weight of the world as I am trying to ease into a deep sleep, but sometimes the things that keep me awake are so absolutely ridiculous that it infuriates me.  If I have to think of those things, why can’t I do it at lunch?  Or while I am driving to and from work?  Why does it have to be at 3 am?

So last night was one of those nights.  I was just about to sleep when in my head I heard Andy say “I didn’t lock the door.”  It was a comment he stated hours earlier when he let Otis into the back yard, well when he tried to let Otis out but Otis refused to go outside.  When Andy closed the door he said, “I didn’t lock the door.”  Knowing we would let Otis back out before bed it didn’t matter because we would lock it then.  But as I lay there I started to wonder.  Did we take Otis back out before bed?  Did we lock the door?  What happens if tonight is the night someone decides to break in?  Two weeks ago I got up with Otis around 2:30 and was waiting with his leash at the front door when I looked across the room out the back door and saw a flash light.  I thought I was seeing things, so I closed my eyes and looked again and sure enough the unmistakable glow of a flashlight was in our newly fenced in back yard.  I got Andy up and he investigated and the person was gone.  We have our theories on what/who it was.  But while I was laying in bed last night I couldn’t help but think, maybe we were wrong?  What if they really were casing our house at 2:30 AM and now they are going to come back and break in because our back door is unlocked.  So I got up and checked the door.  By that point in time my mind was going crazy with “What if” situations.  The back door was locked.

By now there was no stopping the barrage of thoughts running through my brain.

For example: most of us can agree that the sky is blue (on a normal non cloudy day).  This is excluding people that have any visual impairments (color blind or other).  So people with normal vision can say the sky is blue.  But how do we know that we are seeing the same thing, the same shade of blue?  I know blue is blue because I have been taught that blue is blue, but what if the blue I am seeing is completely different than what other people see blue to be?  What if other people see blue as what I see as green?!  We all see a red apple, but what if we aren’t really seeing the same color?  We are all seeing what we have been taught is a red apple, but who is to say what I know is red is the same that someone else knows as red.  Does this matter?  No it doesn’t.  Especially not at 3 AM.

Or.  Do people hear me as I hear me?  My recorded voice on an answering machine isn’t the same voice I hear when I am talking.  Which voice is what other people hear?  And if it is my answering machine voice – I am sorry because that is annoying.  Which voice does Otis hear?

Or.  When we smell a rose, are we processing that smell the same?  Some people smell coffee and hate it while others love it.  Is that because we are processing it the same and that is preference, or because we aren’t smelling it in the same way?

Or.  Why are my toes, short, fat, baby gherkin toes?  They have always been this way.  My toes have always been stumpy.

Or.  What is Otis thinking?  He was dreaming at 4 AM.  He was running and whimpering.  It wasn’t his whine like he was on a trail, but whimpering.  Then his tail wagged.  What is going on in his head?

Nights like last night annoy me so much.  It wasn’t the night that I thought about the past and the future, just random things that make it to where I can’t shut my brain off.  All the while Andy and Otis had no trouble sleeping.

I see a nap in my near future!

 

funny animals…

so a while ago we went to the farm to feed and took the camera and got some great pictures!

oh no I lost my ear!

oh no I lost my ear!

just kidding here it is!

just kidding here it is!

he is so funny and likes having his picture taken (as long as he gets treats in the process).

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I also found some pictures of when Bryson, kelli, and betsy came to see the baby horse (from back in june).

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this past weekend we went to Bristol to see friends and andy went to the race (with dad).  I am so tired (even after a nap) and am not ready to go back to work tomorrow….but next week is a short week and we have some wonderful plans (i think) for labor day so I am excited about that).

recap of the past weekend…

we had an over all good visit to charlotte this past weekend.  we were able to spend time with andy’s family friday night for dinner and just hanging out.  it was great to be able to visit and hang out with them.  it was good to see katie graduate and share in that day with her.  it was wonderful to spend time with my family and friends at the race track.  it was fun to continue the tradition of going to the race….it was one of those weekends where i wish we would have had more time to see more people…but i feel like those weekends are more often than not.

after the all-star race we had to race home (haha see what i did there?)!  andy had to be at church sunday morning.  so before the race i took a nap and after the race we waited around a little for traffic to calm down and started our trip home.  andy and otis slept and i was left with my own thoughts and the sounds of early morning radio.  my drive home was ok.  it rained most of the way and was foggy for the majority of it.  (there were only a few times that i couldn’t really see because of pouring rain and fog so that was nice).  we stopped once so i could get out and otis and andy got out and walked around too since stopping the car woke them both up.  on this drive i think i saw more deer then i have seen in several years.  i saw several packs (is a group of deer called a pack?) and they all made me very nervous.  i could tell that one group just crossed the road and was ok but two different times they were running parallel to the road and i just knew they would run out in front of me – but thankfully they didn’t.  i saw several fresh dead deer in the road.  apparently it wasn’t a good night for wildlife.

as i turned out the road we live on i the sun was coming up.  it was beautiful despite the rain and the clouds.  the sky just glowed.  it is moments like that, when i witness that beauty, that makes the journey worth while.

*this is the part where i admit that i went inside jumped in bed and didn’t give it a second thought that i was going to finally get some sleep and andy had to go to church.  this is also when i could confess that i might or might not have slept until 1.

christmas numb

i have stated before (i think) that i love Christmas and that it is my favorite holiday.  and here we are 2 weeks away and i am reminded that it is also my craziest time of year and i hate crazy times.  so it is this bittersweet relationship – my love hate – with Christmas.

i haven’t had time to blog this weekend but i should have some fun stories and pictures later this week.  i am preparing for a whirlwind week to finish up all that i need to get done before the weekend.  i am so tired right now i am numb.  i am sitting here listening to a football game, to the gee snoring beside me and to andy clicking on his computer, but i feel nothing but tired and numb.  i look at our beautiful tree and i feel nothing but tired and numb.  i think of it as a Christmas numb.  i am existing in the world and i am doing what i need to do and going through the motions of Christmas but i am going a million miles an hour that i am numb to what i am doing.  i am running on auto pilot and living off to do and to get lists.  i am Christmas numb.  this time of year i get anxious to go to TN and be in there and once i get there each year despite all of the craziness around me my Christmas numb melts away and i am able to slow my mind down and realize that it isn’t about the lists and the house being clean and all the petty things that i worry about, it is about being with the ones that you love.

but for now i am going to take my Christmas numb self and stagger into the bed and escape myself with sweet blissful sleep.

***side note – andy whistles more during the Christmas season and during football games.  it is really annoying! ***

shinning sun

it is amazing when you clean your windows how much the sun comes shinning through.  otis loves the weekends when we open all the blinds and curtains.  he wonders around the house and sleeps in the sun beams.  i might get my pillow one weekend and follow him around and nap too (but then again i do love my bed so i might just nap there).

holding hands

update: andy was upset by my previous post that he “yelled” at me to get out of bed.  i will admit he never yelled at me, but he did turn the light on and said get up.  and i said to call

i love when i least expect it andy’s hand finds mine and fits perfectly molded to mine.  i love when his hand finds mine because of a sad song or movie (or stupid commercial) even when he is mocking how emotional i can be (and have always been).  i love how his hand finds mine in the car, or watching a movie, or shopping, or on a date, or across the table.  i love that when our hands clasp there is a moment of instant comfort to know that i don’t and won’t face things alone.  it doesn’t always make me instantly happy and it doesn’t always fix the problem, but it makes me happy.  i love that when i need andy the most he is there.

just my random thoughts on my husband today…

we watch our first Christmas movie today and we laughed and held hands and it really got me more in the mindset of Christmas is coming.  my goal is to finish up some things this week so that i can decorate this weekend.  we went through the office and a box of books from my parents and put them on shelves.  it looks ok (andy doesn’t see anything wrong with it, but i am still deciding).

andy is so nervous about tomorrow.  the search team meets tomorrow night in little rock and we will know soon what is going on.  i won’t lie – im nervous too.  but right now i think i am more tired.  i think on that note i will go on to bed.