*****this post was written in 2016, but i never posted it because circumstances changed so quickly. i debated not posting this but decided to post it now because this is still part of our story (part of that transparency). our experience in june 2016 has had a profound impact on our lives. while things did not turn our how we hoped or expected it has shaped who we are today and we still talk about it and want to post those experiences for others to have a glimpse*****
when you google the word that i never thought would be us this is what you find.
chosen: having been selected as the best or most appropriate.
i still can’t believe it. we have been chosen by a birth mother. now that we have had some time to process, i am able to give a little more information. i would also like to take a moment to add that we are given very vague information and the birth mother is given very vague information about us (to protect both sides). at our training meetings we were taught that the entire adoption process will be a part of our child’s story and we should always think about that whenever we are placed and give out information about the specific scenario. with that bit of information – we encourage questions, but please know and understand that we will tell information as we think it is appropriate. we may have more information than we are leading on – but we also may not have that information at all. so don’t be surprised or offended if you ask a question and we either tell you we don’t know or that we aren’t going to disclose that information yet. i promise it isn’t to be mean or rude.
i mentioned a phone call stating that the birth mother wanted to meet us. when we called our case worker together after work she gave us some information about the mom and about the situation. she also told us about the birth mother coming to the adoption agency.
i will break to rant (as usual and again). we have been officially waiting for over a year. we went to some of the first meetings and heard people talk about how they were placed quickly. one story was of a couple that was placed 2 weeks after they were approved. several stories were that they were placed within 3 months of approval. so few people that we talked with stated that they waited over a year. so once we hit that year mark and went beyond it, i was completely convinced that we would never be chosen. that something was wrong with us and that this was not even meant to be. it hasn’t always been pretty and when i am feeling especially low and like we would never be chosen i would email our case worker and ask if we had any feed back. she would tell me that nothing was wrong with us. that our profile book was being shown and that when it happened it would happen. we had to just trust the system. i would roll my eyes. when we had our home study update we asked again in person about the feedback. (with the profile books the birth mothers are asked to put them in order of who they like better – i am sure there is a more politically correct way to say that). she told us that we were number 2 for a birth mother (their number one worked out so they didn’t need to go to number 2) but we were at least in a short stack! that gave us a little hope. but we heard once again that when it happened it happened. and again i rolled my eyes and held my tongue.
it isn’t that i don’t believe in God’s timing because there is a part of that concept i can get behind, but if anyone else told me it would happen when it was right – or any of the other ways to remind me that God was in control i was going to just cry – and maybe throw something. we felt like it was a cop out answer. we wanted answers and we were getting generic, religious, pat on the hand responses.
::slams head against desk::
so back to the phone call. i was holding my cell phone (on speaker) in the passenger seat and andy was in the driver’s seat and we were listening to this information and she told us this: the birth mother went to a friend who told her that they were going to our agency in the morning to talk about adoption and so she went on the website and started to look at profiles. the next day she walked into the adoption agency and said that she knew who her family was. she told them she wanted andy and alison. they asked her if she wanted to see other profiles and she told them no. they asked her if she wanted to actually see our profile book and she said yes. she looked at it and said again that we were her family. they asked if she was sure that she didn’t want to see other profile books and she turned them down. she said she just knew. both of us got chills. (i will admit she loved the family farm and that andy looked goofy and fun). but she wanted us. she chose us.
when we met your mother…
we are still using the agency to do our communicating. the plan was to meet at the agency at 4:00 to meet the birth mother. we pulled into the parking lot at 3:28 and andy said we couldn’t go in yet. (i agreed). we sat in the car and talked a little bit and waited forever before we went inside. i think i was contemplating throwing up in the bushes and asking what this meeting was going to be like. andy was looking up a restaurant to see if they opened their new location. i finally said we needed to go in because i needed to pee and it was time (3:37). we went in told them we were there and waited in the waiting room. we waited forever and imagined what this meeting would be like. finally (3:44) our case worker came to get us. we asked a few follow up questions before we met the mother and she said you ready? we walked down the long hall. my heart was beating out of my chest, my mouth was drying out, and my legs felt like jelly following her down the hall. we got to the door and walked into a room full of people. the birth mother was there (and her friend). our case worker and her pregnancy counselor were there (as well as an intern that has been working with the birth mother). the agency workers were at the heads of the table and the birth mother and her friend were sitting on one side and andy and i went to the other side. he sat across from the birth mother and i took the place across from her friend. we all were introduced (first names only). we looked at each other with that curiosity and mortification of a really weird blind date. i was very thankful for the agency workers because they helped us get the conversation going.
the birth mother asked (through her friend) why we wanted to be parents. we answered and they nodded. then we sat in silence for hours (maybe a minute). they asked about the farm and we talked about the animals – and a spark lit up her eyes and the corners of her mouth tilted up and the shyness was drifting away and her full personality started to emerge. i asked her favorite color – pink is the answer (any shade). we talked about hobbies (she likes to be outside and loves horses) and playing instruments (she plays the piano – self taught). she told us that she picked us online before she even walked into the agency out of thousands of other profiles. i can’t remember the exact course of our conversation, but we talked. we laughed together. she got choked up. i got choked up. the magnitude of the situation didn’t escape us.
once it seemed like our first date was coming to a close we prayed and were told to take 24 hours and get back with our case worker (and her with her pregnancy counselor). she basically said before we walked out of the room that she had made her decision.
andy and i went to dinner to celebrate getting to the next step. i called our case worker and left a message for her to call me. she called a little bit later and answered a few questions. my biggest one being – how did she think it went. she told me great! i looked at andy across the table and shrugged – he nodded and i nodded and i told her we wanted to move forward.
after dinner we went to babies r us and walked around. a place that made me cry hundreds of time over the past 6 years had me crying again – bittersweet tears. the end of one journey and beginning of another journey. it wasn’t that big of a shock that the theme we picked out years ago had been discontinued, but we did buy a bear to remember the day we meet our child’s mother.